[NOTE: I wrote this the first part of December]
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live the life of someone else. Someone who is sure of herself, confident; Someone who easily finds that one man who steals her heart and her thoughts, and she his. I ponder daily what it would be like to be with the man of my dreams. It is easy for people to tell me that he will come and sweep me off my feet someday, and to just be patient because more often than not, the people who give me well meaning advice have found their other half. And yes, they are most likely speaking from experience but in my twisted mind, my experience feels different even though it's probably not.
At age 23, I know it looks to other people that I have lots of time, but sometimes I feel like I'm getting old too quickly. That time is moving too fast. I thought by this age I would be somewhere other than where I am. I thought I would for sure be married and maybe even a mom. There was a time when that was all that I wanted. I didn't care about college or making something of myself. I only want[ed] to experience that heart pounding, breath taking feeling of being honestly and truly loved by someone.
I look back on the past relationships that I've had and think, "What the hell was I thinking?" All of that time wasted. They did, however, teach me a few things (though not all of them were positive). Thanks to my past relationships I have lost a lot of the confidence I once possessed, and whatever self esteem I had, has now been tossed out like a bad apple. I used to trust people so easily, and not second guess anything anyone said. I don't trust guys now, and once I do begin to trust them, I start pushing them away. That's what I do, it seems. I push people away. Thanks to past relationships I am afraid to be close to a guy now. I'm afraid of being hurt, and boy do I have the scars from past hurts.
My relationships have also taught me how to put on a front, "fake my way through life" if you will. I have become very good at looking and sounding okay even when I am deeply hurting inside. Perhaps that's why I like making people laugh. Because it gives me some other emotion to focus on rather than always focusing on my hurt.
Now it seems from reading this that I might be a lost cause; that I will never trust another man. That is not necessarily true. I have come a very long way from when I was with my first ex-boyfriend. He really did a number on my emotions. I chalk that up to my being so naiive and young; he was after all my first. I put that man on the highest pedestal, and hung on his every word. And he managed, through 3 years of us being together, to break me down piece by piece. He told me that I was fat, that I was ugly and that no one would ever want to be with me. Then he topped it off with, "But I still love you". After awhile, I started believing him; after all, when you're told something long enough, you begin to believe that it's true. It hurt, but I had always been told that "truth hurts". In my stupidity, I loved him with everything in me. No matter what he said or did to me, I somehow managed to forgive him and keep on loving him. I put him before everything; including my parents. I would go months without seeing them much less talking to them, and I hurt a lot of people because of it.
I've also learned that it is possible to fall for a guy without completely trusting him, because I have done it. I was really good friends with this one guy, and it got to where I could tell him anything. He was a man with a reputation for being a player, so I knew from the beginning we would never be anything more than friends because I would never be able to trust him with my heart. Unfortunately, the more we talked and hung out, the more I began to fall for him. Finally one day I risked losing our friendship by telling him how I felt, only to be rejected. It was the type of rejection where he just fell out of my life. He didn't even have the backbone to reply to me, he just stopped talking to me completely. It was from that moment on that I decided that I was done. Done with all of the games, done with all of the bullshit.
So here I sit, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to piece myself back together, and pray that all of this - all that I've been through - makes me a stronger person. Nights are the worst, though. Any time that I have to think and ponder and wonder are the worst.
I'm not writing any of this down for sympathy, or any feedback at all for that matter. Writing has always been a way for me to shuffle through what I am feeling so that I can visually see it (if that makes sense to anyone other than myself).
Comments
Post a Comment