Serious post time...my journey the past several months have been very raw and emotional. When I started this devotional in August, little did I know the twist my life was about to take and how much my bravery (faith?) was really going to be tested. You are braver than you know.
Shortly after I began this book, give or take a few weeks, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer that had spread to lymph nodes as well as a couple of other spots by the time they found it. The news hit me in the gut like a baseball bat. My dad. The strongest, most giving, most stubborn, most invincible man that I knew, was now fighting the worst disease that has ever affected our family. Cancer had already taken my sister, my grandfather, my mother in law and several other distant relatives.
I sat there, phone still in hand from talking to my brother Casey, and stared at the wall. My husband had walked into the room and said something to me but I couldn't hear him, my thoughts were too loud. I was numb, scared, and angry. Angry that God would do this to our family again. Seriously? You've allowed cancer to consume so many people that I've loved, why him?
The days to follow were brutal. Sleepless nights turned into emotional days. I was allowing my anger with God to get the best of me and it was all consuming. Not knowing how to deal with the constant emotions, I alternated between shutting down completely and snapping at people, mainly my poor husband. My boss at the time shared with me a book that she was reading by a woman named Rachel Hollis. I had never heard of her and wasn't sure I needed what I thought was a self help book but I looked it up and downloaded it to my tablet.
There, within the first two pages of the book, these words jumped out at me:
"Life is not supposed to overwhelm you at all times. Life isn’t meant to be merely survived—it’s meant to be lived. Seasons or instances will inevitably feel out of your control, but the moments when you feel like you’re drowning are supposed to be brief..."
I had just wasted a week of being mad at God when I should have been living. This was certainly a season out of my control, but in the midst of my anger, I had forgotten Who was in control.
It has now been a little over 4 months; my dad is still putting up one helluva fight and I am at peace with knowing that I am not brave but I am confident in Christ. It is so hard to understand why God does or allows certain things to happen; it's hard to let go of our own plans and trust His instead. It's hard to be humble and know that sometimes we just won't understand everything and that it's okay that we don't. I'm a control freak. I come by it honestly. But I have to learn that God knows me better than I do; He knows my family better than I do and his plan for my family will always be far greater.♥
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