1. Santa Clause, or Claus. Who gives a shit?
What the heck? This dude kinda creeped me out as a kid and he STILL does. I feel bad for my future/ hypothetical/ make-believe children, because they’re going to be the only toddlers on the block who can rest assured that no fat guy dressed in red (and since when is bright red a good color? The devil wears red, for goodness sake) is going to break into their house via chimney one night in December. No way. Screw that shit. My kids are going to know the truth: that if they’re little assholes all year, the only one passing judgment upon them is ME, so it greatly behooves them to behave for 365 days a year.
2. Black Friday
Not particularly pertaining to Christmas BUT if you go shopping on this day, you’re a dick. I don’t care if you got a 72-inch flat screen for thirty-seven cents and eight sets of flat wear from Macy’s for three dollars. You’re still a dick. Why would you fall into this disgusting trap of consumerism? Black Friday encompasses everything that sucks about America. I’ll bet a million dollars that all of the Europeans who know about Black Friday are laughing at us because they think we’re all a bunch of greedy, cashmere sweater-grubbing dicks. Maybe you should spend your day off doing something meaningful, like hanging out with your damn family eating turkey sandwiches. Your kid isn’t going to give a shit if you don’t get him that drum-banging Elmo thing when he’s thirty-five; he’ll remember you spent time with him.
3. Ugly Sweater Parties
I want to punch the person who started this trend in the damn face. Stop this now. No matter how you slice it, you and 15 of your closest friends dressing up in sweaters that would have reigned supreme in 1983 is not cool. Sorry to burst your ugly knitted-bird-sweater bubble.
4. Baking with Cream of Tartar
Why isn’t it powder of tartar? Shit’s a powder. Not a cream. Get it together, baking ingredients. Get. It. Together.
5. Christmas Movie Specials
I swear to all that is holy, I stumbled upon a “film” entitled Snowmegeddon, which focuses on a cute, adorable family that receives a mysterious snow globe in the mail on Christmas that controls the town’s weather patterns, so when they shake it, obviously the ground cracks open and fire explodes and people die. I can’t even further comment on this “movie”, I'm too brain dead. And Lifetime? Screw you. How is it possible that Lifetime continue to produce the same eighty retarded two-hour special about some stupid bitch who wishes for a boyfriend for Christmas, but just with a different C-list actress? Aren’t there starving children in the world somewhere who can benefit from the money used to produce this mind-numbing trash? Good friggen Lord.
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