1. Santa Clause, or Claus. Who gives a shit? What the heck? This dude kinda creeped me out as a kid and he STILL does. I feel bad for my future/ hypothetical/ make-believe children, because they’re going to be the only toddlers on the block who can rest assured that no fat guy dressed in red (and since when is bright red a good color? The devil wears red, for goodness sake) is going to break into their house via chimney one night in December. No way. Screw that shit. My kids are going to know the truth: that if they’re little assholes all year, the only one passing judgment upon them is ME, so it greatly behooves them to behave for 365 days a year. 2. Black Friday Not particularly pertaining to Christmas BUT if you go shopping on this day, you’re a dick. I don’t care if you got a 72-inch flat screen for thirty-seven cents and eight sets of flat wear from Macy’s for three dollars. You’re still a dick . Why would you fall into this disgusting trap of consumerism? ...