This I Believe

In my English class this semester, we were to read over some essays from thisibelieve.org and write our own essay about something we believe in and how one event possibly changed, even if for a moment, what we believed. I chose to write about an event that I don't share with anyone out of fear of being judged. 

"This I Believe"

I believe in life; therefore, I am a hypocrite. It’s been told to me time and time again since the day that I had an abortion. I was raised by pro-life parents, and was almost a victim of circumstance myself: my biological mother gave my “parents” a choice: to either adopt me or she would have an abortion.

I have often heard the cliché of how kids repeat their parents mistakes, but I never expected to wind up pregnant at the exact same age that my biological mother was when she conceived me. At age 20, I was torn between being ecstatic and terrified.

My boyfriend at the time was my first, and he was much older. His immediate reaction was, “No! We aren’t having this baby.” I was young, naïve and completely convinced (against everything that I knew to be true and moral) that he knew best.

After several days of arguing and pleading with him to see things my way, I made my first appointment with Planned Parenthood. They did the initial pregnancy test to confirm, and then I went through a series of tests, followed by a sonogram. It was decided that the pill, which ironically is multiple pills, would be the best choice.

I was given Mifepristone, which causes the embryo to detach from the uterine wall, and Misoprostol to be taken two days after the first pill as it makes the uterus contract to expel the embryo.  I believe the days to follow were the worst I have ever endured: physically, mentally and emotionally.

During the finely-tuned script of what the clinic workers are trained to say, they never explained the emptiness that one feels in the days, months and years to follow. They also never explained the recurring nightmares that still haunt me.

How does one go from believing in life to having an abortion and back to believing in life? Perhaps it is because I am human who makes mistakes. I believe in life more than ever, especially now. I also believe that if by sharing my story even just one young woman is deterred from choosing abortion, then it will not all be in vain.